The Truth About Cats

No matter where you are exploring, be it the wilds of the Yucatan or the dark recesses of your grandmother's attic, you must be mindful of local fauna. Many creatures are obviously lethal, such as Rhinoceri, Tyrannosaur and Red-Winged Death Bats. But there exist, stalking throughout our lives, animals who are more cunning, whose pure evil doesn't surface until you least expect it, whose Hell-Spawned character is hidden beneath of veneer of cuteness. I speak here of the cat.
Despite the heroic efforts of countless generations of violin makers and the recent gains made by Ted Nugent and his Truck of Justice, the population of these perfidious creatures has steadily increased. Many normally sane people have been drawn into the seemingly insipid gaze and luxurious "fur" these creatures use to hide their true nature. Because of this, the cat has become a household item. And this is exactly what they want!
What people fail to understand is that like the alligator, the shark and the cockroach, the cat is a nearly perfect organism and hasn't appreciably evolved in millenia. They are ruthless, efficient killers, as the recent songbird holocaust has shown us. So when you come face to face with a cat, your first question should be: How can I kill this furry little demon? This where the Exploristas can help you.
1) Hit it with a machete. All good explorers carry machetes as a basic tool for hacking through the jungle, making camp mirepoix and shaving. They are also effective tools for hacking filthy felines to bits. As a warning though, cats are notoriously quick. Note the phrase often used to describe the author of this blog: "Cat-like reflexes".
2) Hit it with a dog. This is also a good option. Most dogs are on the side of Light and can make effective agents when faced with a Cat. However, cats are tougher than they appear so the choice of dog is important. Though the convenient portability of the Bichon Frise makes it a tempting selection, most cats will kick their fluffy little asses. We Exploristas suggest you buy a Rhodesian Ridgeback and feed it on a steady diet of cats. These fine animals were bred to hunt lions and though a pack is necessary for a feline of that size, one or two are usually sufficient to dispatch housecat.
3) Hit it with a violin-string maker. These men, though they may seem like effete nancy-boys, come from a fine tradition of Cat-Fighting. Warning: their techniques are gory. If you wish to ever sleep again, I suggest turning your attention to something less disturbing, such as any of the Faces of Death movies.
4) Use SCIENCE!
5) Kiss your ass goodbye. If none of the above options work, you're done for. This is why we ask that all explorers implant a homing beacon in their skulls. We'd like to be able to contact your mother should you encounter a cat.
Until next time, good night. And Good luck.