History Hal was was just getting warmed up. The rest of the men had finally settled on an amphibious Great White versus a pack of those fluffy, vicious little rich dogs. Hal figured that if they were going to bend the rules a bit, then he could open up the field to Megafauna! Just imagine how those dogs would fare against the mighty Glyptodon! Or even the deceptively peaceful Beast of Baluchistan! He opened his mouth to speak and was immediately interrupted by the manly thud of Jungle Jim landing on the conference deck of Camp Discovery!
All the men fell silent and gazed adoringly at their second in command. Tall and broad, Jungle Jim exuded the kind of masculine virility that held the men in thrall. Even kept some of them up on summer nights. A couple of the men in the back stared at the delicate curls of virile chest hair that sprung forth from the artfully unbuttoned collar of his shirt. But even the raw physical manhood of the man held them in sway, it was his character that truly captured their loyalty.
Strictly speaking the actual leader of the Her Majesty's Most Faithful and Daring Explorer's Association was the legendary AQ. But the men found him difficult to approach. Not only literally (his bungalow was at the very top of the canopy with only a manky knotted rope as access), but figuratively. Even if you approached him with the simplest of questions (e.g "AQ? Quick question. Purely theoretical. What is the best way to kill a zombie?"), he would glare over his wire rims and fix you with a gaze that spoke volumes. And not those slightly repetitive but entertaining Tom Clancy volumes, where all the women were doctors and knew wicked card tricks. NO! They were dusty, "Rise and Fall of the blah blah blah" volumes. Then he would draw in a deep breath and begin lecturing the questioner about something entirely unrelated, leaving the questioner to nervously ponder the uses the cook would find for the zombie rummaging around in the mess hall.*
Jungle Jim, on the other hand, was easily approached by even the lowliest of the crew. They all remembered how Jim would sit up nights holding the hands of Homesick Harry! And so humble! Why lately, Jim had even taking to calling his jawline fat!** Yes the men of Camp Discovery! would have followed Jim to hell and back. Even to Discovery! Now Jim held up hands that could choke the life from a yangtze river dolphin (and HAD!). Their leader wanted their attention.
"Men, I know there have been some rumors flying around of late."
The men looked furtively at Damp Dennis.
"And I thought I would cut right to the chase. The Queen herself has written to us!"
The men all stood at attention. They loved the Queen!
"She has decided that we are no longer the Her Majesty's Most Faithful and Daring Exploration Association."
The men stood shocked, one or two of them began to tremble at the lip. Jim knew he had to act fast before he lost them!
"Hold on men, I have here her letter" there was a pause as Jim dug around in the cavernous recesses of his stylish yet utilitarian cargo pants, "in which she outlines her knew vision for us."
He held up the letter for all to see; immediately a hand went up. Jim's eyes narrowed when he saw whose hand it was.
"Yes Daniel?"
Doubting Dan cleared his throat "Jim if that's the Queen's letter, why is it written in pencil?"
Jim mentally moved Dan to the top of his "First Into the Scary Hole" list, and continued.
"Well Dan, I'm not the leader of the Her Majesty's Most Faithful and Daring Exploration Association, am I? The letter was sent to AQ, wasn't it? I wanted to get take the letter itself but we all know how possessive AQ is of his desk, so I had to make a copy."
All the men nodded knowingly; Stumpy Stu looked ruefully at the place his fingers had been.
"At any rate, the Queen, after thoughtful review of our glorious history, has decided that we are too maverick, to outside-the-box to be referred to as an Exploring Association and instead has dubbed us....The Exploristas!"***
All the men cheered. They loved Mexican Food! Jim basked in their cheering for moment and then held up his hands again. The glare off of his broad palms dazzled the men into silence.
"That's the good news men. The bad news is that since we have been so disgustingly successful and daring with our exploring, she has decided to cut our funding."
The men looked around at each other; this was not a part of exploring that they usually handled but it definitely sounded like there would be trouble.
"But men, I'm not worried. All we have to do is raise the money ourselves. What he need here is not blank stares!" Jim drove one massive fist into his palm,"We need Ideas!"
*Generally the best way of dealing with a Zombie is a bullet to the head. If you want more information, consult Max Brooks' "The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Undead" now available in paperback from Amazon for $11.16.
**All the men knew this was ridiculous. Long ago the Gods had carved Jungle Jim's Jaw from a single piece of flawless diamond and then smoked it with the kind of virile stubble that could only be tamed with a hideously sharp machete.
***Actually what the Queen had said when she heard about the Her Majesty's Most Faithful and Daring Exploration Association was "The What?" This was followed by short but pointed discussion of some received expense reports, after which the Queen had dubbed them several things both less Queenly and less flattering than Exploristas.
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