On Choosing Native Guides

Confession time. Have you ever been up to your neck in impenetrable, heart-of-darkness, Kurtz is going to eat me jungle, seemingly lost? Have you then confidently reached into your rucksack (or over-the-shoulder bag or man-purse or whatever you use, we don't judge) to pull out a map, then set about working the map over with compass and ruler, only to find that this map wasn't quite as accurate as you thought and you have moved quickly from seemingly lost to most definitely lost? Don't worry, so have we all! And most of us have made it out to tell the tale. We here at Exploristas! understand, and that's why today's column concerns the importance of carefully choosing your native guide.
Native guides, similar to machetes, blankies, compasses and canteens are an indispensable part of any Exploristas! equipment list. Without them you run the risk of not only getting lost but blundering past certain warning signs, glaringly obvious to the native but not so to you, telling of doom, destruction and/or dismemberment should anyone be so brash as to proceed (more on that later). This can result in all sorts of inconveniences. Not only might any of the aforementioned fates come to pass but you will be assured of unpleasant jokes from any Exploring Association once word of your little faux pas gets around. So obviously, Natives guides are a must-have.
However, not all native guides are equal and there are certain attributes that one should look out for. Follow the checklist below and you'll be hacking your way through dark continents with confidence.
1) Nativity. Be sure that your native guide is actually from the area you are exploring. In today's jetsetting age, it's quite easy to find transplants to an area that claim local lineage but are bound to blunder their (and your) way into some blood soaked gully somewhere that a true native would know to avoid. Certain areas are extremely difficult to explore for this reason. Most of the state of Arizona, for instance, is teeming with non Arizonites just frothing at the mouth to show you their 'favorite' box-canyon. If you have doubts of your native guide, check in with the local Exploristas! field office and we'll be happy to furnish you with either authenticated natives, or if you prefer to go it on your own, a set of test questions to pose your guide (e.g. "Arizona Native, if I should place some sort of belligerent insignia on a flag, one that might provoke some sort of physical retaliation, will I be in any trouble. " Answer: "Yes sir, that would constitute a class 2 misdemeanor, similar to allowing a donkey sleep in a bathtub." "Excellent, Arizona Native! Guide away!")
2) Local specialization. Some areas of the country are know for having several different environmental strata. One might think that nativity alone guarantees knowledge of the area that you're exploring. Not so! One must also find a native who understands the customs and environment of the precise area you're exploring. As an example, one Explorista! was interested in combing through the dark and uncharted alleys of New Haven, Connecticut. Thinking that an Ivy league education would carry a certain expertise with the local customs, they hired the services of a sophomore from Yale University and then confidently set out from the walled confines of that particular palace of learning. And that's the last we ever heard of them.
3) Loyalty. This and the next quality are really the gravy. These qualities are what distinguish the average native guide from the stalwart expedition companion. Loyalty is often hard to come by. Native guides generally have some sort of silly qualms about their countries being explored by Exploristas!, it seems that they have a fear that boatloads of Conqueristas are sure to follow. You and I know that this is silly but nonetheless it does pose a bit of a problem when finding guides. If you can try to find a cross breed between your people and the locals. This usually muddies the picture somewhat and allows you to use subtle psychological tricks to win them over to your side. You can also give them trinkets. Many natives are just crazy about shiny trinkets. We suggest making a few bottlecap necklaces. They are shiny, attractive, and come from beer, which is fun to drink while making bottlecap necklaces. Failing that you could always just cut them in on the glory by making them actual partners. This is bit radical, a bit new age and anti-establishment but what the hell, we're Exploristas! not lemmingistas.
4) Intrepidity. All too often Explorers have come across some foreboding doorway in the heart of the jungle only to find that their native guide flat-out refuses to cross the threshold. Usually this is due to some horrifying local legend about the consequences, which can range from a wasting disease to frequent tax audits. Finding a guide who is ready to spit in the face of their upbringing and leap headlong into the aforementioned doorway can be very difficult. Luckily, puberty tends to bring out this quality. So, for most areas finding a teenager with a rebellious sneer usually means you're set. In the developed world, puberty lasts (at least mentally) much longer and so with most college campuses can furnish a number of likely candidates. However be sure to refer to rule # 2.
Obviously there are a host of other qualities that you may or may not find important but we here find that those are generally just garnish. Find a guide with the four qualities above and you'll be all set. Until next time.