Deep in the heart of an unnamed jungle, the men of Camp Discovery gathered together to hear their beloved second-in-command speak. Things had been tough over the last few days. Demoted from being the Her Majesty's Most Faithful and Daring Exploration Association, then promoted to Exploristas! the men of Camp Discovery had discovered that due to their outlandish and overwhelming fame and success, the Queen had decided to cut off their funding. Money is pulsing Khaki heart of a good expedition, no matter what people say about pushing back the frontiers of human ignorance. And so, the good men of the Exploristas! had set about trying to raise money. A few unorthodox and unsuccessful experiments later their second in command, Jungle Jim, had decided, all on his own, that they would scrape together their funds and hazard it all on one more expedition. The mind-boggling success of this expedition would lead to more funding and so on and so forth ad nauseum. Caught up? Good.
Jungle Jim stepped out the underbrush onto the raised dais* that served as the main podium of Camp Discovery! and cast his flinty blue gaze over the expectant faces of the men. They in turned gazed adoringly at him and he marvelled at the loyalty of these good men. The harrowing attempts to raise funds had strained the team to its very limits the but rock hard bedrock of loyalty that held these men together like glue. Or something like that. Maybe not glue. hmmmmm......
One of the men cleared his throat pointedly, startling Jim out his revelry.
"Oh sorry men, I got lost turning over appropriate metaphors and similes for this moment."
The men nodded. They loved grammar!
"Right. Here's the situation men. I've looked things over with Financial Fred" Jim pointed to an obsessive little man with a clipboard " and it seems that we have enough funds for one proper expedition. We need one expedition, so fabulous, so groundbreaking that we will either reap the proceeds of the expedition or the Queen will be forced to give us our funding back."
"But Jim, I thought you said that the Queen cut off our funding because we were already too successful."
"Yes, thank you Daniel. What I meant is that this expedition has to be so successful that she doesn't really see the point in squandering the crown's resources on any lesser band of explorers. Savvy?"
The men nodded. They loved crushing the competition!
"So men, any ideas?"
The men all started jumping up and down shouting out ideas.
"How about one with pyramids!"
"How about one with dinosaurs!"
"How about skulls!"
All the men groaned.**
Jim held up hands that had caressed a thousand ancient ruins and spoke.
"Good men! Good! You're all thinking. But I think I have the answer. Have I ever told you men about how I became one of the greatest explorers in history?"
All the men shook their heads and settled in for a good story. There was a slight rustling as several of the men opened delicious little cartons of milk.
"At one time I was not the paragon of exploration you see before you. I was a lowly archaeologist trapped in the mediocrity of his own position."
Archaeological Andy's face fell.
"Then one day I decided that I had had enough. I set out to find my true calling and soon I found myself wandering through the burning deserts of the Himalayas."
Cartographer Chris frowned and made a mental note to cross out all those pesky mountain marks from his map of Nepal.
"For days I strode through the burning sands until I came to the foothills of a vast mountain range."
Chris sighed.
"I began to climb the tallest mountain that I could see. It seemed as though I climbed for ages, enduring burning hot days and freezing nights. At one point I was forced to strangle a snow leopard for food."
All the men sniffled. They loved endangered animals!
"Finally I came to the top of the mountain and I found a wise and ancient explorer sitting in medication."
Some of the men frowned, maybe that was a typo.
"I prostrated myself before the man and cried out, 'How can I become the greatest expolorer the world has ever seen?' The old man looked down at my humbled but still mighty frame and said, 'It's not getting what you want. It's wanting what you've got.'"
All the men sighed. They loved wisdom!
"And I cried out, 'All I have is Khaki!' And at this, the old man smiled at me and gave me a blue flower to eat. It was not as delicious as the snow leopard but it had more fiber."
A few of the men smiled wryly. All to well did they understand the importance of staying regular while on an expedition.
"After that I studied with the man for several years. He taught me all I know about history, archaeology, swinging from vines, arcane languages and everything else that I know about exploration. But finally the day came when my great mentor was bowed with age and the winds of death blew coldy on his neck."
The men sighed. How poetic!
"With his last breath, he pressed a clay jar into my hand, claiming that it held the secret to one of the greatest secrets of mankind! This is where we'll find the expedition we need, men!"
And with that, Jim reached into one of his many, many pockets.
*This dais was leftover from a previous edition. Apart from the odd bloodstain, it was a perfectly serviceable 3 ton block of marble carved with skulls and demons. Jim thought that it was totally awesome to speak from the dais.
**This last came from Nasty Nick. He used to called just Nocturnal Nick until they found out what he was up to with the skull collection at night.
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